Me, today

I don’t quite know how or where to begin. There are so many things to say, but I am trying to tell you all who I am today without diving too deep into the past. Maybe I should tell you what other people in my life, both family and friends and professionals involved in my life, would say. My 11-year-old daughter would probably say that I am very annoying, helpful, good at cooking and baking, kind, hardworking, and maybe a little bossy. My 8-year-old son would probably describe me as loving, kind, good at games, good at cooking and baking, hardworking, supportive, and helpful. My husband, well, he does tell me that I do too much (physically), that I am restless, bossy, always have to be right, resilient, helpful (too much sometimes), a great mum, a great cook, very clean and organized, a good wife (I hope so anyway), caring, empathetic, strong, annoying, and his best friend. My friends would describe me as a caring and thoughtful person as well as a walking diary (I do remember a lot). They would also say that I do too much and that I need to concentrate on myself a bit more. They would probably say that I can be very impulsive and that I can make things harder for me sometimes. My GP and consultants would probably describe me as struggling with my mental health, in need of trauma therapy (long waiting lists), should consider hypnotherapy (not available on the NHS and not something I can afford), smoking too much (I really want to be able to stop), not controlling my blood glucose levels (I am type 1 diabetic), suffering from chronic pain, suffering from fibromyalgia, having nerve pain, having hip impingement, nerve entrapment, and having nothing physically wrong with me. I am taking a lot of medication for my physical symptoms, but not for my poor mental health. I do believe that medication can be helpful for some people, but I also believe that it will only mask the symptoms, and unfortunately, without addressing the cause, some will probably have to rely on medication for a long time or even take it forever. I have tried many different types of antidepressants, with only one suiting me. However, I was constantly left without it for days or weeks on end due to it not being available for a few days while it was ordered by the pharmacy. I have had a GP surgery refuse to prescribe it, as they thought that it should have been the community mental health team prescribing it. So, while they were battling it out between them, I was left without. I have always believed that I need to address the causes of my mental health struggles, and I guess that is what I am doing by writing this blog. I think that I am in a place now where I am more settled. I live in an adapted bungalow as my health issues have made me a wheelchair user (on bad days). My children are settled in school, my husband has temporary work (he is my carer), and I still fight even though I am so tired of fighting. I want a brighter future, where I can feel free of my childhood. I want to work, and I am looking into volunteering to gain new skills. Maybe some kind of admin work would suit me, as I can’t stand or walk too much, I am unable to do manual handling or work that requires bending over. I am also unable to sit at a desk all day as my body gets too stiff. I will get there; it might just take me a little longer.